There are many different claims made in the bullet point section of her post and, tbh, I don’t have the energy to respond to all of them. I’ll just try to cover the most egregiously misleading ones. Feel free to just take the others at face value, I guess. They aren’t all completely true, but they’re close enough that I’ll let them pass and just say that I’m deeply sorry for the events described in them, even if they’re slightly misleading.
Told me I was a sociopath until I believed her (I no longer do). One of the reasons she said I was a sociopath was that I have high sociosexuality – i.e., I’m a sociopath because I want to be poly.
I did indeed tell her I thought she was a psychopath, though the reasoning she gives is an outright fabrication. I once mentioned that high sociosexuality is correlated with psychopathy, which is something that even Ozy – a known poly – has mentioned. But it had absolutely nothing to do with why I thought she specifically was a psychopath, and is clearly just meant to make me look like I hate poly people in general.
I told her I thought she was a psychopath because she experiences almost no empathy for others and little desire to connect to them. Because she fantasises about torturing anyone who vaguely annoys her, including people who cut her off in traffic. Because she holds grudges literally forever and directly delights in the suffering of people who “wrong” her. Because she viciously bullied another child in elementary school on the explicit reasoning that no one else liked her victim. Because she said that, if she had a clone of herself, she would definitely abuse them mercilessly.
Because I once mentioned to her that, even when performing executions, most people are unwilling to look at the face of the person they’re killing due to empathy response – and she said that this was dumb and she would have no qualms shooting someone directly in the face while they were crying and begging her not to. Because she has hair-trigger aggression and almost no impulse control. Because she has 1st percentile agreeableness and 99th percentile neuroticism according to the Big Five, which are the strongest correlates of psychopathy. (She is also every other kind of Dark Triad, including high narcissism andincredible machiavellianism.)
Like, look, if she wants to note that I think she’s a psychopath, fine. But she shouldn’t lie about why I think she’s a psychopath. I think she’s a psychopath because she is one of the most misanthropic human beings I’ve ever met, in terms of actual antipathy to humanity. And we have a word for people who have every kind of cruelty and lack of concern for others listed above, and that word is “psychopath”. Dispute it if you want – but don’t try to make something up to slander me as some kind of polyphobe to do so.
Drank herself to blackout because I cuddled with someone at Solstice.
While wandering around looking for my partner in one of the Solstice events, I saw her hiding upstairs groping her affair partner, long after I was convinced an affair with this person was either in progress or about to commence. And, when I got home, I drank a few shots in order to not have to think about it. However, at the time I basically didn’t drink or do drugs, so I horribly misjudged and blacked out. I basically haven’t drank since and have been generally more careful around drugs since.
Did not work or do chores or even do her own immigration paperwork.
ie, Studied programming for ten hours a day and made blazing progress until becoming incredibly depressed in December because she was cheating on me. Then the abuse ramped up dramatically and I ended up running away from home roughly ever two weeks, which completely destroyed my ability to focus well enough to study, as well as making me too homeless to actually hold any job where I had to turn up consistently.
But I did do chores less than her. Partly because I ADHD made me bad at remembering them and she didn’t want to remind me to do them, and partly because any time I did try to do a chore and did it in a way that was OCD-wrong she would yell at me about it and then I would huddle in a ball of anxiety for days. The former thing I think is entirely reasonable to be mad at me about, but the latter thing I don’t think is, because it would have been impossible for me to not break one of the thousand OCD rules she had that I didn’t yet know and wouldn’t learn about until they’d been violated.
The immigration paperwork thing was due to a mixture of ADHD and dyslexia meaning I’d most likely fuck it up, and is entirely reasonable for to be mad about me not being able to deal with, and is something I spent basically our entire relationship trying to not suck at.
I told her, multiple times, that I was burning out doing all this work for her, and begged her to please help me do some of the work. She did nothing.
Endecision is fully aware that I spent this time trying to come up with ways I might be able to offload some of this work from her, either by figuring out how to do it myself or asking third parties for assistance. She can ignore this if she wishes, but I want to add it to the public record.
Said she became depressed when she couldn’t get sex, and that I was the only person she could meaningfully have sex with (which, when I finally stopped having sex with her, magically turned out to be false). Then when I had sex with her, was upset with me for not being enthusiastic enough.
I did indeed become depressed when I wasn’t having sex back when I was on a weird hormone regimen, which I mentioned once on Tumblr. After she found out about this and it became clear to me that she was going to feel personally responsible for it, I started trying to hide my depression from her any time I became depressed. Even though my depression was being caused by abuse as often as it had anything to do with sex. Then I got access to testosterone-blockers a little while before the discussion about pressuring her into sex (in which we were both emphatic about never wanting to have sex with each other again), and pretty much stopped having sex with her around the time I started blockers.
Had a complete lack of cleanliness intuitions
This is one of the things I find most amazing out of all of this, since it shows Endecision just being actually out of touch with reality. I have reasonably strong OCD around cleanliness, but mine is in nowhere near the same ballpark as hers. But, somehow, being far more neurotic about cleanliness than any normal person is having “a complete lack of cleanliness intuitions”.
I will absolutely freak out if I try to wash my hands and find out there’s no soap, and will go searching for soap throughout the building and adjacent buildings when this happens. Most people I know will just sigh and move on, and many don’t even bother washing their hands after using the bathroom if they’re in a hurry (*internal screaming*). I panic when my friends stick their hands in weird fluids, or eat food with hands that have touched the floor, or let their blankets touch the ground. Many of my friends have commented on how neurotic I am about cleanliness, which usually prompts me to hide it better, but every day that I see normal people going about their business I’m screaming, screaming, screaming inside.
But there is no way I could even conceive of all the rules Endecision’s OCD imposes on her environment. I only have maybe four or five categories of how clean things might be, which I try to prevent from touching each other when convenient. Endecision hant s at least a dozen and will berate you for hours if you cross the streams. As I mentioned in an earlier post:
She would yell at me if I let an object that was OCD-pure (like the very bed I slept in) touch something that was OCD-impure (like clothing that had been worn while outside, whether or not it touched anything). The last event before I decided I actually needed out was when @wearsshoes had come over to my house and moved Endecision’s pillow from the bedroom to a (OCD-impure) bed in the living room, which I didn’t notice in time to prevent, and which Endecision yelled at me for (including following me around when I was trying to get out the house).
But not following this specific set of rules intuitively and immediately means having “a complete lack of cleanliness intuitions”. I am honestly scared for anyone who might try to live with her who hasless OCD than me.
But back to the bulletpoints:
Cried because I didn’t want her to read my journal.
She once showed me something she’d written in her journal / private blog and asked me what I thought of it. I complemented the quality of her writing, and she said that the complement wasn’t good enough and berated me for failing to actually appreciate her work. This is the only time I’m aware of interacting with her journal that involved me crying in any way.
I asked her to plan our wedding months in advance because I frankly didn’t have the energy, and then she refused to let me ask how it was going, until about two weeks before the date when she revealed that she’d done next to nothing, and everything was really rushed and stressful and I ended up doing half of the work exactly as I hadn’t wanted.
I avoided talking to her about it as much as possible because any time I spoke to her about anything important I was working on, including the wedding, she would yell at me because it wasn’t good enough. And she was aware that I would be bad at this because I had ADHD, but I did in fact follow through, despite what she claims here.
I did in fact do the vast majority of the work for the wedding, as both sets of our parents noted, and as panicked as I was any time she started getting involved with the planning, I tried to accede to her wishes. The guests present thought the event was great and it looked beautiful. And if she was stressed while I was handling everything so badly from her perspective, well, I’m sorry that that was the case, but I’m not going to apologise for making a wedding go well just because it didn’t go well in exactly the way that my controlling spouse wanted it to.
As an autistic person, I kinda thought the chores thing sounded like the kind of complaints someone who doesn’t understand the ways executive dysfunction and other brain weirdness can affect chores would make. I’ve heard similar complaints from NT spouses of autistic people (especially autistic men).
Like, she mentioned you doing a task in another context and not being able to do the same task in your shared home. Even without what you’ve shared about the OCD issues, I have had tasks I can do in one context but not another, or do better in one context than another.
For example, at my Dad’s place, when I try to cook on the element and I’m not paying close attention, there’s a decent chance I’ll turn on the wrong element and burn something, which never happens at my Mom’s place because the markings on the stove there are more intuitive.
Also, I can only wash dishes if there’s no water in the sink, because I don’t want to overflow and I can’t reach into the water for sensory/OCDish reasons. So if I don’t have someone available to undo the bung and the sink is full of water, I can’t do dishes.