Ah! The ask got unstuck!
I’m not sure exactly what you mean, but I think you mean you see aceness like I used to see both aceness and kink: it’s not an axis of oppression, because to know enough to hate you for it they have to know specifics of your behavior within your personal life. With homosexuality all someone has to see is a photo of your partner on your desk to hate you. Whereas if you’re ace or kinky they’re going a step beyond seeing the smily picture, and getting into personal life nitty gritty.
Whereas what shifted my views somewhat in this is… when ace people describe aphobia to me there’s a… there’s an aspect to it that isn’t quite like homophobia, and is kind of like ableism. A sense that you’re immature or not fully developed or not entirely human.
When people dislike that I kiss, fuck, or hold hands with girls, they’re not saying I’m immature, usually. It’s something else: I’m gluttonous, or predatory, or just weird and wrong. Sometimes it’s sexism: I’m for a man and not performing, or what I am performing is manlike and I’m an inferior copy of a natural top, etc.
But… the thing I’m being called is perverted and gender-twisted, not “not fully human.”
I also think that you don’t have to know someone is X to oppress them for being X.
Like, most people don’t know I’m autistic unless I tell them. And I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 15, so before then no one knew. But I’ve experience a lot of casual ableism anyway, from people who don’t know I’m autistic, such as:
- People assuming negative things about my motivations due to executive failures.
- People installing florescent lights in public places and continuing to use them once they start to deteriorate and flicker, causing me pain.
- People being preventably noisy along pathways I’m forced to travel, such as playing a boom box in a university hallway.
- People using ‘retarded’ or ‘autistic’ as an insult in my presence.
- People assuming that all adults live independently, have a license, and are employed.
- When I say how I’m feeling, people disbelieving and invalidating me because my feelings are not NT standard for that situation.
- People assuming autistic style communication is intentional rudeness and getting offended by it.
- People mocking me or people around me for being weird in harmless, autistic-related ways.
- People taking me less seriously because I’m communicating my needs in a non-standard way (eg, not emoting in the expected way).
- Buildings having fire safety procedures that result in me experiencing potentially dangerously impairing sensory overload for an emergency situation, without any plans for how to protect people like me in that situation.
I could list more, and we’d be here all day. But I think I’ve made my point. Systemic oppression isn’t always about “you’re an X, I hate Xs, so I’ll be a dick to you”. It can be about making generalizations about ‘people’ that exclude certain people, and designing things in non-inclusive ways, and expressing casual hatred to someone you think is ‘like you’. You don’t have to know that someone is an X for them to be adversely affected by your prejudices against X people.