@cyborgbutterflies that’s totally fair. There is a lot of stuff out there that paints anyone with cluster b disorders or anyone who suspects they might have them (I’m personally skeptical of a lot of self dxing but recognize it serves a purpose even if people are wrong) as complete and utter monsters who it’s bad to EVER befriend, and that’s not only mean but doesn’t help give those people reasons to work on adaptive mechanisms.
My problem (well, one of several) is that I feel like a lot of the rhetoric pushing back on this creates a taboo for people who have tried but failed to have successful friendships with people who have these disorders. It makes it so we are seen as bad for even saying we found it draining, or questioning whether someone’s adaptive mechanisms work as well as they think they do.
Like: I’ve known several people with BPD. I’ve had friendships that worked, and friendships that I just couldn’t maintain because the splitting reminded me too much ch of abusive dynamics I’ve experienced, where I was on a pedestal during “honeymoon periods” and treated as scum during other periods.
But the taboo is: don’t “call” people with BPD “abusers.” Which I can agree with in a general sense—saying you know someone does bad things when you don’t know them is shitty!
But a thing is also true of me: it is hard for me to differentiate between someone splitting about me and someone abuse cycling with me. So it is hard for me to maintain friendships with people who split wrt me, because it’s too hard for me to tell the difference a lot of the time. It affects me in ways that are too similar, *regardless of intent.*
I suspect this is not unique to me, so I might say “this could be a problem.” That doesn’t mean I think the two things are the same, it means I suspect other people have trouble telling the difference.
And if they do, they may not end up with many close friends who have BPD.
Ultimately, their reasons don’t necessarily determine how their behaviour affects you.
I have auditory sensitivities. If someone has tics that force them to make noises that set off my sensitivities, that’s not their fault. But knowing that they can’t help it and don’t intend to harm me won’t prevent me from experiencing sensory overload because of them.
Sometimes people are just incompatible. A person with an assistance dog may not be able to be friends with someone with severe dog allergies, and that’s no one’s fault.
Also, if someone is being abusive, the fact that it’s due to a mental illness and not something they can help doesn’t mean that it’s not still abusive and harmful for them to do that thing. Someone screaming insults at you doesn’t necessarily stop hurting just because you know they’re splitting or having a manic episode or having flashbacks or something.