30 Days of Kink: Day 22 redux

What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Last time I said it was pretty much the same stuff as a healthy vanilla relationship, except without as much of a script. I still agree with this a lot.

One thing that I’ve been pondering lately, however, is the empathy problem that being a Dom/top or sub/bottom looking for the reverse can entail. I feel like a lot of insecurities on both sides can come from not being able to understand what the appeal is in the reverse role. I hear subs saying that they worry about feeling like a burden or so forth because they can’t imagine liking having a partner who acts like they do; and as a Dom, I’ve felt like a monster for the same reason.

Plus, it makes it harder to learn how to do it right. I’ve done self-bondage for practice, and I do think it helps with the core motor patterns, but there is absolutely nothing appealing about being tied up for me, so I can’t tell if I’m doing it in an enjoyable way. I’ve even had it where I got down thinking that no one will ever want me to do a particular tie on them because I hate the feeling so much, only to see more switchy folk on FetLife doing more severe ties and enjoying them.

I suppose the same empathy problem may apply to heterosexual people, but I don’t know. I suspect it’s less so, but that’s a very uneducated opinion.


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