This is ace course so ur rlly under no obligation to reply to this but I just can’t. Not say anything. You listed “making a partner happy” as a reason to have sex and like Right off the bat having sex that you don’t ever want to have to make your partner happy is not healthy. Either you want the sex or you don’t, and having sex for any reason other than wanting it is. Like I cannot wrap my head around that being healthy. It sounds like self harm or emotional abuse and sexual coercion.


It’s not about the ace people being Bad, it’s about being worried about parroting this kind of “ur valid if you don’t want to have sex but feel obligated to” being harmful TO ace people, esp ace women. “You’re not broken and you shouldn’t have to compromise your identity or emotions to have a partner and no one “””deserves””” sex from you” and the previously mentioned rhetoric seem to be not just different but entirely at odds with one another.


The thing is, they’re not at odds with one another if you trust ace people’s ability to know their own feelings and consent.

Ace is not synonymous with sex repulsed, and attraction to a person is not synonymous with wanting or not wanting sex.

Let’s be clear here: if your partner is emotionally blackmailing you with their happiness to coerce you into sex, that is bad. That is always bad, regardless of sexuality. That is also more likely to happen to ace people, and (while I’ve said this before) it’s worth repeating often: you never owe your partner sex. You are never obligated to give your partner sex.

However. that’s not the only circumstance that someone could have sex to make their partner happy! There ARE ace people who know their partner enjoys sex, and they don’t dislike sex, so they do it because they like giving someone they love pleasure. There are ace people who are comfortable with certain kinds of sex. There are ace people who like orgasms, who masturbate, who have a libido, who can find satisfaction and pleasure in a sex life with a partner who they’re not attracted to.

This isn’t hypothetical. Some of these are people I know; some of these are my own experiences. I’ve had completely uncoerced, healthy sex with someone I wasn’t attracted to on several different occasions for a variety of reasons.

The balance here is that it is the person who must speak for themselves. If you don’t want to have sex, don’t! Not to make your partner happy, not because you feel like you should, not because of any external pressure. But if you enthusiastically want to have sex for reasons other than sexual attraction, that’s not bad. You’re can’t self-harm by doing something that doesn’t leave you feeling bad afterwards.

The point of all this is that non-ace people should trust and respect ace people (and, y’know, everyone) with regard to what sex they’re comfortable with and why they’re comfortable having it. And ace people should trust themselves. If they don’t want to, nobody else can tell them that they do or they should or they have to. If they do want to, for any reason, nobody else can tell them that they can’t or they shouldn’t want to.

(Also, it’s always worth mentioning: grey-ace people exist. people who experience very weak attraction, sporadic attraction, or attraction to only a handful of people over the span of their life all exist too. those people may have their own wants and motivations, and they should also never be coerced, but I trust them if they want to have sex with someone without interrogating their reasons.)

My Mom really likes when I massage her shoulders. I’m apparently very good at it, and it makes her feel better when I do it.

Personally, I don’t really get any enjoyment out of giving people massages. I don’t mind it, but it doesn’t feel good, and sometimes it’s tiring. But I like that I can make my mother feel better by doing this for her.

I never feel pressured to do it for her, and if I don’t want to, I know I can tell her and she won’t get mad at me or try to pressure me.

I’m sex-repulsed, but I’m guessing for a sex-indifferent ace, having sex is a lot like giving a massage is for me.


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