30 Days of Kink: Day 16 redux

What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Unfortunately, my original response to this question was lost when I got deleted, but I’m guessing that I said something about the internalized sex-negativity and kinkphobia I was struggling with back then. I have gotten a lot better since – I’m a lot less likely to be hit with sudden intinte self-loathing because I realized that my body is producing lubrication, for example – although I do have my bad moments even now.

Now, I’d say the hardest part is feeling off the grid. This is not just a kink feel, it’s also an aroace feel and an autistic feel. In so many ways, the standard model of how to do sex and relationships is just plain inaccessible to me. And it was fine when I thought I would be happy to just opt out, but I really do think that I’d like to have some kind of non-standard relationship. A life partner, kink partner, co-parent, something.

And there’s no instruction manual. I can’t look to fiction or dating advice or the life experiences of my friends and family for models of how to find this person (if they even exist) and what life with them could be like. There’s so little representation for any of my identities, and even less that combines them all together.

Plus, I don’t know what are reasonable standards for behaviour. People often act like any kinky act is every bit as explicit and private as putting your dick in someone, which is just ridiculous to me. There is no way that wearing a fursuit or calling someone ‘viscount’ or tying someone up is at all equivalent to having sex, in terms of how it affects potential onlookers. But what rules do apply? If we accept kink as an identity and not just a way of spicing up our sex lives, we need to figure out what objections are reasonable boundaries and what are unreasonable kinkphobia.

I had an argument on FetLife over whether it’s acceptable to walk your partner on a leash in public, in which I pointed out that the other person had given no arguments against leash-walking a partner that haven’t also been used by homophobes against same-sex PDA, and they responded by asking if I was “not the smart kind of autistic” because my profile is open about my autism diagnosis. That was pretty unpleasant, and I still have not received any arguments more substantive than that. Probably my least favorite part of the kink community is how many people seem to think not being closeted is tantamount to sexual harassment.

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